Every angry text, every barbed email, every explosive phone call – it all adds up. Why?
Lawyers Get Involved: When communication breaks down, lawyers step in. That means drafting letters, negotiating petty disputes, and potentially heading to court, which translates to hefty bills as a mediation lawyer can attest.
Emotions Run High: When you’re furious or hurt, you’re more likely to make rash decisions, reject reasonable compromises, and fight tooth and nail over things that don’t truly matter in the grand scheme.
Mental Toll: The stress of constant conflict takes a bite out of your emotional wellbeing, affecting your work, your relationships, and your ability to heal after the divorce.
It’s not about pretending everything’s rosy. It’s about smart communication strategies that save you money AND your sanity.
Our friend at Flat Fee Divorce Solutions shares some ideas on how to communicate with your ex in a more constructive manner.
Rule #1: Business, Not Battlefield
Think of your communication with your ex like a boring business meeting. Sure, the person across the table might be someone you now loathe, but the goal is to get stuff done, not exchange insults.
Focus texts and emails on the practical details: pick-up/drop-off times for kids, who gets the dining set, bills that need paying. Save your hurts for therapy or venting to your family. Being hurt and responding with emotions does not resolve who is going to pay for school supplies or a medical bill.
Avoid accusations, blame-shifting, or bringing up past hurts. It’s tempting but trust me, it only leads to more billable hours for your lawyer.
The less you say, the less room for misinterpretation and escalation.
Rule #2: Delay, Don’t Destroy
Getting a nasty text from your ex can make your blood boil. The urge to fire back a scathing reply is REAL. Resist. Here’s how:
Step Away: Put down the phone, close the email, and do something else for a while. Take a walk, vent to a friend, blast angry music – whatever helps you cool off.
Draft, Don’t Send: Once you’re calmer, write a response if you must. Then, leave it untouched for a few hours, or even overnight. Even better – put that draft on a piece of paper and tear it into a million shreds.
Re-read and Revise: When you re-read with fresh eyes, you’ll likely see spots where your anger took over. Tone it down, stick to the essentials.
Rule #3: When In Doubt, Get Backup
Sometimes, direct communication is simply impossible in the early stages of divorce. Don’t feel ashamed; it’s normal! Here’s where a trusted third party can help:
Family Mediator: A relative or mutual friend might willingly relay basic messages (think: “Mom can’t do Saturday drop-off, how about Sunday?”) to decrease tension.
Use the Lawyers: For major issues where you need legal input, communicate through your lawyers. Yes, it costs, but it beats a communication meltdown that spirals into a court battle.
Temporary Help: This third-party buffer is usually best as a short-term solution while you get a handle on your emotions. Ultimately, learning to communicate directly is important.
Bonus: Tech Tools To The Rescue
If co-parenting is in your future, consider these:
Shared Calendars: Apps specifically designed for divorced parents allow you to track schedules, appointments, etc. without needing constant back-and-forth messages.
“Our Family Wizard”: This website is a more advanced option for high-conflict divorces. It documents all communication, helping avoid “he said, she said” disputes.
It Won’t Be This Way Forever
In the heat of divorce, it feels impossible to imagine civil conversations with your ex. But with time, emotions fade, and more practical communication becomes possible. By following these strategies, you’ll make the divorce process itself less damaging, both to your wallet and your emotional health. If you are ready to work with your ex on a separation, contact a mediation expert near you for help.